Yesterday started off absurdly hard for me where I felt like I was about to cry whenever I took a step. It wasn't like I was in that much pain, I just couldn't find anything to be happy or smile about. But what I decided to do towards the middle of the day is to take time out for myself and determine to make the day better than it had started out. I also decided to accept life as it truly is. So often we attempt to make things appear to every other human eye as we desire for it to be an not how it actually is. When I loosened up and said, "Fuck it, this is what IS..." I felt this weight just go away. I hope that I can stick to it too. Last night I said that I was going to the fountain at City Center because I have always wanted to and it presented a very aesthetic feel. SO I went. And there were a few times that I had written since February but it was for various occasions that warranted it. I want to finish all of the poems that are going to be in my book by the end of the summer. The goal is to do a 50 day concentration with at least one poem a day but I didnt plan on starting until July. Looks like yesterday was the beginning, so there may be more than 50 more poems added. Which means that the book just may shop better when I am connecting with publishers should I choose not to self publish which is looking like the way to go for the first publication. Thanks to my boo Ludacris, I got that idea. Well he lent it to me.
Either way the fountain relaxed me enough to the point I almost didn't want to go home. It was so beautiful and peaceful and even though there were a lot of people out there I still felt like I was the only one out there. I've been doing just what the doctor said and am taking things one day at a time. And as I go day by day, I am rediscovering that inner peace that I obtained when I moved into my apartment about a year ago. I love it.
This morning I rose at 7 and tried to look at Boy Meets World but turned over because I'd already seen it. I woke up an hour later and walked Totts. That was fun. Shes such a goofy and playful pup. When we came back in, I tie her up so that she can focus on eating and drinking and not running around and she trips me with her damn leash. I mean she really tripped me: walked in front of me made sure the leash was extended and i got tangled, fell almost hit my head on the edge of the counter (but I moved like the matrix) and fell on top of the bowl of water that I'd just filled for her. I was pissed...if I was light-skinned I would have been sooo angry but what I did today was went and sat on the couch in my living room until I knew I was calm and over it. Shes a smart ass dog if she really did do that on purpose, but nevertheless shes a dog, so I let it go. Thats what we have to start doing more, letting things go. So often we hold on to things that really have no bearing in our lives; not our well being, our daily progress, or intelligence. Ive been holding on to too many people who are necessary for my life, always afraid that I would need to cross the bridge that I burned. Well not anymore and if I need to rebuild that bridge I will make an effort to do so. If I cant find the materials necessary, thats fine because there are so many other ways to get to what I want or even need.
I'm beginning to learn how to work with what I get to still attain what I need or want. To be grateful at all times for everything as it presents itself. And to simply BE. Thats what it is right now for me and its working like nobody's business. I love it!
"The present is a gift and I just want to BE..."-Common
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