Letter to my Exes

Dear Exes,

I want you to know that it is partially your fault for me having this skewed range of feelings that go from insecurities to falsified emotions. Yes, falsified because it is so hard for me to open up now and be completely honest to any man that I meet, even those that I am actually interested in. How did you ruin it you may ask...well here you go:

1. You started breaking my heart in the 6th grade when you were overly sexually active and I was not interested in sex or any acts that would lead up to it.

2. You lied so much because you thought that it would make me love you more. And in the beginning that came to be the case but then, I strongly disliked you because evidently you thought that I was going to follow your lies forever and the truth not catch up to you. And this is why you are forever featured in the shit hills of my mind.

3. Because you didn't have enough faith in yourself to stray away from the piss poor examples of good men that you had in your life and actually pay attention to the men that actually helped you become half decent enough for me to even entertain your presence and interest in me.

4. When I did become sexually active I valued it a lot more than you did and when I didn't want to do all of the things that you were suggesting you left me even though I was/am a woman of quality and value.

5. You deemed it okay to make me fall in love with you then leave me high and dry for a Gutter Butt Trollop (GBT) that was whack and slack from front to back. Where I had/have intellect, intuitiveness, ingenuity and am beautiful all the way around.

6. You made me feel like something was wrong with me when you would come chill and cuddle but wouldn't make me your lady because there were too many fish in the sea (the fast ones with STDs) and you can keep them now.

7. You would tell me all of the things that you thought that I wanted to hear but they would be after you already lost....

Wait... I'm writing this list to tell you all of the things that you did wrong but what about me...

1. I didn't put ME first

2. I didn't value my uniqueness and womanhood as much as I valued having a man on my arm who I complimented more than him doing so for me.

3. I was focused on the wrong things...

4. I settled for less than I deserved

5. I was quick to give in to what wasn't right because I wanted to feel like the rest of my "friends" felt when in actuality they weren't happy either just putting on a show for everyone. No one was paying attention...

6. I allowed me to lose myself in you instead of myself. Its okay to lose oneself in themselves because nine times out of ten that self love is the best thing that you are ever going to encounter.

7. I didn't make you respect me like you should have...

8. I placed some things on hold in my life that should have been placed at the forefront, in front of you and all other things material and of this world

9. I blamed everyone else for my hurt and insecurities

10. I didn't want to face the reality of the situation because I knew that I would be alone and knew that it was not how I wanted things to be.

So exes, I want to tell you now that I forgive you for breaking my heart. But I will never be able to forget the things that I experienced while I was with you and during those weeks where we were breaking up. I'm doing better than I was when I was with you and am currently in the process of healing. Don't try to come back with your games because one will be run on you just so you know what it feels like to have high hopes and be left in the dust.

Keep your distance.

Star Crossed Love,

Nikki

Today is a random one...

I think that sometimes life deals you blows just to see how you would deal with it. Initially at the end of that first sentence I subconsciously said, "me"; I wonder what that means. Right now I am sitting here in the comforts of my apartment wishing that it was cooler outside. Later on I think that I am going to head out to a beach and walk. Im just baffled at how much I want to be out in nature lately. I dont know what thats about but I am going to embrace it full force as long as I have peace. Thats all that Ive been wanting lately. I cant say that Ive had it although I have been making an effort to get to that point.

Meditation is what used to get me there. I know last summer when I was still adjusting to how I wanted my apartment to be arranged, I was at peace when I was at work and even moreso when I came home as I had a half a splif and laid back, cleared my mind focusing solely on my breathing. I would wake up 30 minutes to an hour later feeling quite refreshed. I dont know what it is now that is keeping me from having that. Whatever the case I know that I can not revert back to that discomfort that I had back in October.

I have been writing more poetry and I am anxious about this book of mine. I am thinking about self publishing I just don't know if I am ready for all of the work that is going to come along with it. But we will see, I have to do more research. I want my first published book to be one if the best to hit any bookstore or library shelf. I want to be acclaimed like my Soror Nikki Giovanni or like Ms. Maya Angelou and I will be. So far in my life when I say that I want to get something done I do, for all that its worth to me. And yes I am always looking for a bargain as I inch my wait to the point of success.

And now I have to leave this blog of random thoughts so that I can attend to my work that was just emailed to me. You know sometimes, its not the work that you do that makes you lose your passion is the superiors who have supposedly been in your position before. Nine times out of ten just like celebrities from the hood, when they make it to a point of success, they forget about their struggle to get there and the giants shoulders that they stood on to get there. It is however my goal to never forget.

Simply BE...

When you feel good usually it comes from a place that you can pinpoint. But when you don't know exactly where that happiness, that feel good feeling comes from who or what do you usually give the credit to?

Yesterday started off absurdly hard for me where I felt like I was about to cry whenever I took a step. It wasn't like I was in that much pain, I just couldn't find anything to be happy or smile about. But what I decided to do towards the middle of the day is to take time out for myself and determine to make the day better than it had started out. I also decided to accept life as it truly is. So often we attempt to make things appear to every other human eye as we desire for it to be an not how it actually is. When I loosened up and said, "Fuck it, this is what IS..." I felt this weight just go away. I hope that I can stick to it too. Last night I said that I was going to the fountain at City Center because I have always wanted to and it presented a very aesthetic feel. SO I went. And there were a few times that I had written since February but it was for various occasions that warranted it. I want to finish all of the poems that are going to be in my book by the end of the summer. The goal is to do a 50 day concentration with at least one poem a day but I didnt plan on starting until July. Looks like yesterday was the beginning, so there may be more than 50 more poems added. Which means that the book just may shop better when I am connecting with publishers should I choose not to self publish which is looking like the way to go for the first publication. Thanks to my boo Ludacris, I got that idea. Well he lent it to me.

Either way the fountain relaxed me enough to the point I almost didn't want to go home. It was so beautiful and peaceful and even though there were a lot of people out there I still felt like I was the only one out there. I've been doing just what the doctor said and am taking things one day at a time. And as I go day by day, I am rediscovering that inner peace that I obtained when I moved into my apartment about a year ago. I love it.

This morning I rose at 7 and tried to look at Boy Meets World but turned over because I'd already seen it. I woke up an hour later and walked Totts. That was fun. Shes such a goofy and playful pup. When we came back in, I tie her up so that she can focus on eating and drinking and not running around and she trips me with her damn leash. I mean she really tripped me: walked in front of me made sure the leash was extended and i got tangled, fell almost hit my head on the edge of the counter (but I moved like the matrix) and fell on top of the bowl of water that I'd just filled for her. I was pissed...if I was light-skinned I would have been sooo angry but what I did today was went and sat on the couch in my living room until I knew I was calm and over it. Shes a smart ass dog if she really did do that on purpose, but nevertheless shes a dog, so I let it go. Thats what we have to start doing more, letting things go. So often we hold on to things that really have no bearing in our lives; not our well being, our daily progress, or intelligence. Ive been holding on to too many people who are necessary for my life, always afraid that I would need to cross the bridge that I burned. Well not anymore and if I need to rebuild that bridge I will make an effort to do so. If I cant find the materials necessary, thats fine because there are so many other ways to get to what I want or even need.

I'm beginning to learn how to work with what I get to still attain what I need or want. To be grateful at all times for everything as it presents itself. And to simply BE. Thats what it is right now for me and its working like nobody's business. I love it!

"The present is a gift and I just want to BE..."-Common

from 6/11... I dont know why this was saved as a draft! smh

When you feel good usually it comes from a place that you can pinpoint. But when you don't know exactly where that happiness, that feel good feeling comes from who or what do you usually give the credit to?

Yesterday started off absurdly hard for me where I felt like I was about to cry whenever I took a step. It wasn't like I was in that much pain, I just couldn't find anything to be happy or smile about. But what I decided to do towards the middle of the day is to take time out for myself and determine to make the day better than it had started out. I also decided to accept life as it truly is. So often we attempt to make things appear to every other human eye as we desire for it to be an not how it actually is. When I loosened up and said, "Fuck it, this is what IS..." I felt this weight just go away. I hope that I can stick to it too. Last night I said that I was going to the fountain at City Center because I have always wanted to and it presented a very aesthetic feel. SO I went. And there were a few times that I had written since February but it was for various occasions that warranted it. I want to finish all of the poems that are going to be in my book by the end of the summer. The goal is to do a 50 day concentration with at least one poem a day but I didnt plan on starting until July. Looks like yesterday was the beginning, so there may be more than 50 more poems added. Which means that the book just may shop better when I am connecting with publishers should I choose not to self publish which is looking like the way to go for the first publication. Thanks to my boo Ludacris, I got that idea. Well he lent it to me.

Either way the fountain relaxed me enough to the point I almost didn't want to go home. It was so beautiful and peaceful and even though there were a lot of people out there I still felt like I was the only one out there. I've been doing just what the doctor said and am taking things one day at a time. And as I go day by day, I am rediscovering that inner peace that I obtained when I moved into my apartment about a year ago. I love it.

This morning I rose at 7 and tried to look at Boy Meets World but turned over because I'd already seen it. I woke up an hour later and walked Totts. That was fun. Shes such a goofy and playful pup. When we came back in, I tie her up so that she can focus on eating and drinking and not running around and she trips me with her damn leash. I mean she really tripped me: walked in front of me made sure the leash was extended and i got tangled, fell almost hit my head on the edge of the counter (but I moved like the matrix) and fell on top of the bowl of water that I'd just filled for her. I was pissed...if I was light-skinned I would have been sooo angry but what I did today was went and sat on the couch in my living room until I knew I was calm and over it. Shes a smart ass dog if she really did do that on purpose, but nevertheless shes a dog, so I let it go. Thats what we have to start doing more, letting things go. So often we hold on to things that really have no bearing in our lives; not our well being, our daily progress, or intelligence. Ive been holding on to too many people who are necessary for my life, always afraid that I would need to cross the bridge that I burned. Well not anymore and if I need to rebuild that bridge I will make an effort to do so. If I cant fine the materials necessary, thats fine because there are so many other ways to get across... you dig?!

This Conundrum...

I'm sitting here after a relaxing morning, dealing with one of the most hard headed teenagers I've ever encountered. It baffles me when they ask for help and then when they begin to have obligations, they don't want to follow through with anything asked of them. I just don't get it. And usually I can meditate and come to some sort of conclusion on things that initially don't make sense, but I'm still stuck on this conundrum.

What do we call these kids? I guess "kids", but why is it that year after year, especially in schools it seems that they are getting worse. It seems like the warm months are the worse for them but it is also a time when they are testing for practically the entire spring. When summer rolls around they are ready to wild out because they've been forcing all of this information into their heads for the entire school year. Is anything ever going to change? Is the plot thicker than just the behaviors that they are displaying?

I'm only one person and I feel like my stress comes more from not having enough hands or enough brains to think of a way and to work how I need to to fix the problems of these children and their families. But hey, all I can do is continue to have faith in the children that I do encounter and hope that I make a strong enough impact to where they only feel the need to improve upon themselves and not be a product of their environments.

I tell them, live in your mind. Let your life have endless possibilities just like your thoughts are endless. Make yourself proud by your progress.

Sometimes it clicks and sometimes it doesn't. I'll keep trying until my day is done!